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New Works...as of june 99

Rip away the pain
Claw at insides gone insane
Frowning and Fretting at all i am
Replacing I cant in front of all the I cans

Speaking names to unheard voices
Empty life from thoughtless choices
Spiraling out of controll and sync
World is slipping down the sink

Wisper words that have no meaning
Find a life without a being
Shallow as the nearest pond
Dream of everything that now is gone

Trip across broken hate
Love to feel that way its great
Revel in the past dont let it go
Mind is cold all thoughts like snow

Work to bring out of this madness
Fight my heart and all its sadness
Live a life become a Lie
Hurt your friends make love die

Wallow in the Darkest void
Thoughts keep ticking untill annoyed
Shut all down and Think it through
Wonder if they're dying too

Live again some from some days in past
Find a love try to make it last
Dont let go hold on tight
Choking now never stop the fight

Power down and seal your fate
Fight against relentless hate
Stop the pain and all its toil
Freeze bad blood from salting your soil

Lift yourself above the masses
Find a truth, hold on till the wave crashes
Strenghen spirit body and mind
Love can be so cruel and kind


Painted Mask

Smile shines through the eyes i see so radiant and pure
It makes me cold and i turn away Hating myself for what it made me feel
I tasted her lips and i knew her smell, and held it above any other
But now i know i lament over lost feelings that i possess but she does not

Apathay has overcome my Sanity

I lie alone at nite and Lie to myself about what i feel and what im doing
realizing that when i ran away i only hid from myself, not an escape like i thought
I provoke the feelings of security by telling myself im in a better situation
Its not true, but another fable i create to keep myself away from my Pain

My wrists are scarred by so many cuts and Memorys, but no one sees them

Siting by myself, working by myself, driving by myself 
    and even loving by myself
I see others happy but cannot touch them or feel them,
     because i am afraid
I let myself go and burned my fingers,
    found my faerie wings and never got what i wanted out of the love
    i thought i gave to myself

I shut myself Down, because feelings burn all the time, 
   and i cannot stand the stench of my self inflicted sins burning

I forgave myself for being imperfect
I forgave myself for what she did to me
I forgave my Father for being an alcoholic
I forgave myself for Not leaving sooner
And i Lie to myself when i tell myself that i am a better person

I loved the pain i miss it so

And so, i sit here again and realize the only true release 
  i have is from the pain
The Pain of the thouch
The Pain of the Razor
The pain of Fucking myself Raw
Of touching those with my tainted hands
Of letting myself be beaten down by others because i need it
Of Being InHuman,
Because i am not

I decide what i need to do to make myself happy

I smile a painted smile, that i wear with my makeup
and i put on my faerie armor of the night,
   all of its whips and chains and beauty
I save the razor blades for later, when i am alone
and i never cry, it feels to good, and i am not worthy of it

My Apathy will not overcome my Insanity, 
  but only feed my Curiousity for how far i will take this, 
    and perpetuate this Stagnation we call existence...